copyright 2000 - 2003 DISCLAIMER: This material represents our best efforts to be helpful within the constraints of this format. Other information and additional counseling should be considered before crucial decisions are made. See "Choosing a Counselor" |
ADVICE: Assure your mate daily of your love. Comfort them. Let them know that you will pray for them every single day. Tell them that you will pray as follows: 1. That they will be protected by God. 2. That they will accept your forgiveness. 3. That they will become the spouse and parent they want to be. 4. That they will be able to help others because of the lessons learned. ADVICE: Finally, look to God for direction in your marriage. His instructions are outlined in the Bible. Attend a local Bible believing church were new friends and associations will strengthen your marriage. YOU HAVE HOMEWORK: Read the following verses in your Bible. Choose one or two every day. Or "click" on a verse and read it now. |
FORGIVENESS OR REVENGE Every time a divorce is granted, someone was unwilling to forgive. Real love mandates that you forgive the guilty party. It is ultimately for your benefit. Forgiveness will stop you from doing something that compounds the damage out of revenge. The Bible refers to this as keeping the devil from getting a foothold. (Ephesians 4:26:27) A destructive form of revenge is to hold the indiscretion over the guilty party's head, bringing it up when it can be used as a weapon. As with the example of Jesus, forgiveness doesn't mean you condone the sin. It means you release the offender from having to pay for the offense. It's how to start putting this thing behind you. |
80% OF AFFAIRS BEGIN AT WORK. Our partners must associate with members of the opposite sex on the job. They usually see co-workers clean, well dressed -- at their very best. Then they go home to a mate not measuring up to such standards. Even subconscious comparisons can eventually breed a dissatisfaction that can lead to affairs. Some take their marital problems to work. The good listener they find may also offer themselves as the solution -- the alternative for an imperfect marriage. Below is a list of practical reasons for infidelity. But be absolutely clear. Infidelity is a sin regardless of the "reasons" cited. No excuse will waive that fact. UNMET NEEDS: Many claim that the cause for most affairs are unmet needs. Both partners have sexual needs but women especially need companionship as well. She longs to be wanted, cared for and loved. She is looking for communication outside of sex. She wants romance! When that goes unfulfilled, she can be vulnerable. A man needs to be wanted! When he is continually rebuffed, postponed, or denied by his wife, he may finally opt for a woman that does want him. Again, unmet sexual or companionship needs are never excuses to sin. They only explain why either partner in marriage choose to sin by fulfilling their needs with people outside the union. THE MISSING LIFE PROBLEM: Sometimes both men and women decide that they have not properly experienced their young years. They rationalize that they married and took responsibilities way too early and have missed part of life. Marital boredom, work schedules and fatigue are also part of this problem. The resulting affairs are especially damaging because older children and even grandchildren are usually involved. ANGER: When you first discovered an affair was taking place, you were shocked and then angry, right? No one can blame you for this reaction. Anger is a natural response for betrayal. But it can make matters much worse if not controlled. HURT: The breakup of a relationship especially a marriage, hurts deeply. One actually grieves. After all, something important, something you invested your life into, has died. You hurt for the kids, for the personal rejection, for what others will think -- for a trust broken. The good news is that these feelings will gradually fade though they will occasionally resurface. DESPAIR AND FRUSTRATION: Feelings of emptiness, despair, inadequacy and even worthlessness, are all common to affair victims. But guard against such feelings as they can bring on a depression that makes matters worse. If you do get depressed, it doesn't have to last. FEAR OF THE FUTURE: If your partner's affair leads to a permanent breakup, what will you do? Where will you live? How will you make ends meet? If you stay together, will it happen again? Will things ever be the same? These questions express concerns that you may have. Again, who can blame you for having these feelings. Remember, worry is mental energy spent on things that may not happen. It is a waste of time in the wrong direction. NOW FOR SOME ADVICE The Bible provides both advice and hope as you walk through this dark valley. ADVICE: Don't forget that you loved the offending partner enough to commit yourself to them. The marriage ceremony contains a promise to love and cherish your spouse until death. The Bible, in 1 Cor. 13:5, describes this type love as unconditional. It says that "...it keeps no record of wrongs." The love we give a spouse should be modeled after the love Jesus had. Those closest to Him on Earth denied and betrayed Him. But His love for them never wavered or failed. ADVICE: Reassure your partner that you love them even though you are deeply hurt. Such unwavering love is essential for healing and restoration to begin.. |
A Note To Affair Victims: You may have chosen this pamphlet because you are trying to deal with an affair carried on by a person you loved and trusted. No one blames you for feeling the way you do about this. Pain and heartache are part of the damage caused by such affairs. But before you continue, click on our pamphlet, "THE MEANING OF LIFE," and read it first. It has foundational material upon which this page is built. When you finish, come back here. |
ADVICE for affair victims by Duron Davis |
A Note To Affair Victims: You may have chosen this pamphlet because you are trying to deal with an affair carried on by a person you loved and trusted. No one blames you for feeling the way you do about this. Pain and heartache are part of the damage caused by such affairs. But before you continue, click on our pamphlet, "THE MEANING OF LIFE," and read it first. It has foundational material upon which this page is built. When you finish, come back here. |
80% OF AFFAIRS BEGIN AT WORK. Our partners must associate with members of the opposite sex on the job. They usually see co-workers clean, well dressed -- at their very best. Then they go home to a mate not measuring up to such standards. Even subconscious comparisons can eventually breed a dissatisfaction that can lead to affairs. Some take their marital problems to work. The good listener they find may also offer themselves as the solution -- the alternative for an imperfect marriage. Below is a list of practical reasons for infidelity. But be absolutely clear. Infidelity is a sin regardless of the "reasons" cited. No excuse will waive that fact. UNMET NEEDS: Many claim that the cause for most affairs are unmet needs. Both partners have sexual needs but women especially need companionship as well. She longs to be wanted, cared for and loved. She is looking for communication outside of sex. She wants romance! When that goes unfulfilled, she can be vulnerable. A man needs to be wanted! When he is continually rebuffed, postponed, or denied by his wife, he may finally opt for a woman that does want him. Again, unmet sexual or companionship needs are never excuses to sin. They only explain why either partner in marriage choose to sin by fulfilling their needs with people outside the union. THE MISSING LIFE PROBLEM: Sometimes both men and women decide that they have not properly experienced their young years. They rationalize that they married and took responsibilities way too early and have missed part of life. Marital boredom, work schedules and fatigue are also part of this problem. The resulting affairs are especially damaging because older children and even grandchildren are usually involved. ANGER: When you first discovered an affair was taking place, you were shocked and then angry, right? No one can blame you for this reaction. Anger is a natural response for betrayal. But it can make matters much worse if not controlled. HURT: The breakup of a relationship especially a marriage, hurts deeply. One actually grieves. After all, something important, something you invested your life into, has died. You hurt for the kids, for the personal rejection, for what others will think -- for a trust broken. The good news is that these feelings will gradually fade though they will occasionally resurface. DESPAIR AND FRUSTRATION: Feelings of emptiness, despair, inadequacy and even worthlessness, are all common to affair victims. But guard against such feelings as they can bring on a depression that makes matters worse. If you do get depressed, it doesn't have to last. FEAR OF THE FUTURE: If your partner's affair leads to a permanent breakup, what will you do? Where will you live? How will you make ends meet? If you stay together, will it happen again? Will things ever be the same? These questions express concerns that you may have. Again, who can blame you for having these feelings. Remember, worry is mental energy spent on things that may not happen. It is a waste of time in the wrong direction. NOW FOR SOME ADVICE The Bible provides both advice and hope as you walk through this dark valley. ADVICE: Don't forget that you loved the offending partner enough to commit yourself to them. The marriage ceremony contains a promise to love and cherish your spouse until death. The Bible, in 1 Cor. 13:5, describes this type love as unconditional. It says that "...it keeps no record of wrongs." The love we give a spouse should be modeled after the love Jesus had. Those closest to Him on Earth denied and betrayed Him. But His love for them never wavered or failed. ADVICE: Reassure your partner that you love them even though you are deeply hurt. Such unwavering love is essential for healing and restoration to begin.. |
FORGIVENESS OR REVENGE Every time a divorce is granted, someone was unwilling to forgive. Real love mandates that you forgive the guilty party. It is ultimately for your benefit. Forgiveness will stop you from doing something that compounds the damage out of revenge. The Bible refers to this as keeping the devil from getting a foothold. (Ephesians 4:26:27) A destructive form of revenge is to hold the indiscretion over the guilty party's head, bringing it up when it can be used as a weapon. As with the example of Jesus, forgiveness doesn't mean you condone the sin. It means you release the offender from having to pay for the offense. It's how to start putting this thing behind you. |
ADVICE: 1 Peter 4:8 says, "Love covers a multitude of sins." Treat your partner with respect and trust, as if nothing happened. Never bring it up again, especially in an argument. Never fail to stand up for your mate when they are being "put down" by others. This adds to the possibility of a complete restoration. ADVICE: If you are honest you will accept part of the blame. Review your situation and confront your own failures. Then work to improve whatever deficiency you may uncover. |
Better Than Ever Your relationship can be better than ever. Implementing the things already mentioned will establish grounds for reconciliation. |
ADVICE: Assure your mate daily of your love. Comfort them. Let them know that you will pray for them every single day. Tell them that you will pray as follows: 1. That they will be protected by God. 2. That they will accept your forgiveness. 3. That they will become the spouse and parent they want to be. 4. That they will be able to help others because of the lessons learned. ADVICE: Finally, look to God for direction in your marriage. His instructions are outlined in the Bible. Attend a local Bible believing church were new friends and associations will strengthen your marriage. YOU HAVE HOMEWORK: Read the following verses in your Bible. Choose one or two every day. Or "click" on a verse and read it now. |
copyright 2000 - 2003 DISCLAIMER: This material represents our best efforts to be helpful within the constraints of this format. Other information and additional counseling should be considered before crucial decisions are made. See "Choosing a Counselor" |
.THE COUNSELING CENTER P.O. BOX 429 WHITE, GA. 30184 |
